Friday, September 22, 2006 It's that time of the week again, guys and gals! Gather round, young and old, for Papa Ethan's Story Time. Sports It is mid September and for fans of Philadelphia sports teams around the world, that annually means a number of different things. ::Eagles get shocked in the opening weeks of the professional football season. In the fans' eyes, the team goes from being a Superbowl contender to out of the playoff picture. Check. ::Flyers head into the preseason with millions of fans believing this is their year. Check. ::Sixers roster sits complacently where it ended the previous awe-inspiring season. Check. ::Phillies are all but eliminated from playoff contention. Wait.what? The Phillies are knotted up with Los Angeles for the National League's Wild Card? Us Philadelphians like our sports scripted. Someone remind Ryan Howard et al it's time for the Phillies to dive into the cesspool of mediocrity October has waiting. I would not consider myself an avid fan of America's pastime, but I do know that there's going to be many distraught baseball fans in Southeast Pennsylvania in a matter of weeks. There's a way things work here in Philly: They don't. Regardless of how much momentum, how much talent, how outstanding the team's coaching staff is.there is an inevitable brick wall for every Philadelphia sports team and inevitable heartache for every fan that follows them. Call us sadists, but we wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you, Phillies, for making that agony so much sweeter by delaying it for a second consecutive year. As a side note, I was watching NFL Network today and Frankie Muniz from Malcolm In The Middle was getting some airtime. I may be alone here.but father and son? I think so. Entertainment As a public service announcement, I feel as though I should assume some responsibility here and let my faithful readers know (I want the two of you paying attention, now) that bounty hunting is in fact illegal in Mexico. Apparently, this is a lesson better learned the hard way for a certain reality television superstar. "Dog The Bounty Hunter," one of the more popular television shows on A&E, may have hit a bit of a programming holdup. It is somewhat difficult to host a nomadic television show from the confines of a jail cell, you see. For those of you who have never seen or heard of the show, it revolves around a man named Duane "Dog" Chapman, his son, and associates hunting down those who are running from the law. To this date, The Dog has successfully captured seven fugitives, none of whom were more prominent than the one that kick started his television career, Andrew Luster. Luster was the heir to the Max Factor fortune but, more importantly, he was running from the law after being charged with raping three women. Luster ultimately fled the country and was later found by Chapman in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Unfortunately, bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico. After refusing to turn Luster over to the authorities in Mexico, the Chapmans were promptly arrested but quickly posted bail. Failure to return to Puerto Vallarta for their court hearing led to a U.S. warrant for their arrest late last week, and "Dog" found himself as the one in shackles. $100,000 bail was posted for each of the three men arrested, and now the trio must stay in their home-state of Hawaii until their trial in Mexico. This just goes to show, you must be a master of your art if you wish to excel in life. This never would have happened to Mace Griffin or Samus Aran. First of all, as a man, I know when it is my time to swallow my pride and eat crow. In my first column I state, with conviction, the Atlantic West was Ducati's division to lose. I truly thought he would go undefeated, and with ease. So much for that. Props to Sully for knocking off the champ.but the season is still young, and I stick to my prediction for that division. The big news in the MPL this week is the implementation of the roster updates which, for now anyway, appear to be final. Who was the big loser and big winner in this roster update? I'll tell you who. Loser. Houtz's New Orleans Saints. His offense was struggling as it was.putting up only 13 points in his first two games, then he loses Donte Stallworth. That's a big blow to Houtz, his Saints, and their bid for a division title that promises to be very difficult to capture. Winner. Pardon the homerism, but I think you would be hard-pressed to find anyone who will benefit more from these updates than Moneyball. You look at that Eagles squad when Madden was released, and where are the weaknesses? If there are any, it would be wide receiver. Now, he's got a legitimate deep threat in Donte Stallworth. He's got two other speedsters in Reggie Brown and Greg Lewis who can stretch the field. Two additions that may not mean much to the MPL in general, but mean a lot (I'm sure) to Moneyball are Hank Baskett and Jason Avant, who are both very tall receivers with very high jump ratings. Perhaps the biggest assist for these Eagles comes in the form of EA's omissions. No Buckhalter? No Tapeh? No problem, Moneyball! You've got Bruce Perry and Josh Parry to rely on. Random Thoughts So, there's been a recent outbreak of e coli found in spinach? Now I know why I haven't heard from Popeye the Sailorman recently. Remember that Tickle Me Elmo craze that hit America around Christmas time a decade ago? Expect to see more of that this year. I was at Wal-Mart early Tuesday morning and there were women EVERYWHERE swarming pallets of these new Tickle Me Elmo toys. I didn't even know it, but upon doing research a tenth anniversary edition of the toy came out earlier this week. If my encounter is any indication, maybe mothers around America will focus on snatching one of those fiery red creatures for their children and leave the Playstation 3 to the big boys.